Category: widowhood
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Six years (of praise)
Today marks six years since Ramón took his last breaths, and the grief feels heavier this go-round. My own breaths grow shallow as I type these words. I suspect the sorrow is greater because, within the past year, I had to say goodbye to two of the dogs that comprised our little family: beagles Noodle,…
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To love what death can touch
A few mornings ago, I saw two people walking a black lab. One had a jar of peanut butter tucked under her arm, her other hand holding a spatula that the dog was joyously licking as they walked. They weren’t moving quickly, but they weren’t going slowly, either. My gut told me it might be…
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Forever birthday
I had my annual dermatology visit on Tuesday. “I can’t believe she’s 40,” the doctor said quietly outside my exam room. “She has CF.” The doctor explained the significance to the medical assistant, who said “Wow” at least five times.
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Ho-ho-hospital
I just spent my seventh night in the hospital. I went to sleep when my IV antibiotic finished just after 11:00 p.m. Then the nurse came in to draw blood at midnight. Then the tech came in to get my vital signs at 1:00 a.m. Then the nurse came in to hook me up to…
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Marry Christmas
A decade ago today, I woke up in a cabin in Blue Ridge, Georgia, ready to become Ramón’s wife. Typing “Ramón’s wife” still feels odd because, in many ways, it’s as though I never got to fulfill that role. It’s also weird because I tend to avoid titles, meaning I’d never really called him my…
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You heard it here
Guess who was on a podcast?! Me! I recently had the opportunity to be a guest on Pam Baker’s podcast, The Lost Love Stories. Pam is a legend in the CF community. I feel cheesy saying that, like I’m trying to puff her up, but I mean it. Pam has two sons with CF, both…
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Docu-Drama
One night last week, I decided to watch a documentary while I worked on a jigsaw puzzle. If that sounds nerdy, I agree—and I own every bit of it. I browsed titles, looking for one that sounded inspiring. I love all types of docs, but I wanted a boost that night. I landed on one…
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Pole dancing
A haiku:Drip drip drip all dayAlways dancing with the polePoison in my veins The countdown is on! I finish up IV antibiotics tomorrow, and right now it feels like I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life. Mainly I’m eager to get back to my normal sleep schedule—and ditch these side effects that make…
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Week 2: Simple September
Another week of Simple September has come and gone! Most nights I found myself scrambling to think of something to post, which isn’t *quite* what I had in mind when I developed Simple September (#StressedAboutPostingSeptember?). So, my goal for this week is to be more mindful of my surroundings throughout the day. In other words,…
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15,051 days
Ramón would have turned 46 today. This morning, as I tried to think of a photo to share in honor of his big day, this one came to mind. We’d just purchased a nice camera to take on our upcoming cross-country RV trip. When I took this photo, I was playing around with the camera…
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Thinking Face
Today, to procrastinate on writing, I started browsing files on my computer. I stumbled upon a folder called “Ramón Headshots.” As I clicked through the series of photos, I felt a fullness in my chest—the good kind that results from a hearty dose of gratitude. This image specifically caught my eye because it perfectly captures…
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-thirteen and nine-
Thirteen years ago today, I went on my first date with Ramón. And nine years ago, we got married. Often, on special days like today, I marvel at how grief continues to warp my sense of time.
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This mourning
Every now and then I submit to a literary publication just to see what happens. And I almost always I get a rejection letter sometime in the next two weeks or ten months. After receiving this week’s rejection, I thought, Hey, I kinda liked that piece. So their loss is … my blog’s gain? I…
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Happy Birthday, Dirty Ramón
Today I feel your presence in the rustling leaves and chirping birds. I taste your appreciation in the Blizzard I got in honor of your birthday. I see you in our dogs’ eyes as they pierce my soul. I channel your patience when one of said dogs pees on the floor—simply saying, “I’m sorry I…
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At therapy this morning…
“At therapy this morning” seems like a quick, somewhat cheap way to capture someone’s attention. But it just so happens to be an accurate line to start the post I’ve come here to write. At therapy this morning, I said today’s date, April 3rd, out loud. I can’t recall the reason, but as the words…