Category: grief
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Six years (of praise)
Today marks six years since Ramón took his last breaths, and the grief feels heavier this go-round. My own breaths grow shallow as I type these words. I suspect the sorrow is greater because, within the past year, I had to say goodbye to two of the dogs that comprised our little family: beagles Noodle,…
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To love what death can touch
A few mornings ago, I saw two people walking a black lab. One had a jar of peanut butter tucked under her arm, her other hand holding a spatula that the dog was joyously licking as they walked. They weren’t moving quickly, but they weren’t going slowly, either. My gut told me it might be…
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Forever birthday
I had my annual dermatology visit on Tuesday. “I can’t believe she’s 40,” the doctor said quietly outside my exam room. “She has CF.” The doctor explained the significance to the medical assistant, who said “Wow” at least five times.
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Missing Magpie (Warning: Emotions)
I became Magpie’s mom on the worst day of my life. After years of suffering, my sweet friend—Magpie’s mom—left this world in November 2018 when the pain became too much to bear. She entrusted me with Magpie, which was the most heartbreaking honor I could have fathomed.
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You heard it here
Guess who was on a podcast?! Me! I recently had the opportunity to be a guest on Pam Baker’s podcast, The Lost Love Stories. Pam is a legend in the CF community. I feel cheesy saying that, like I’m trying to puff her up, but I mean it. Pam has two sons with CF, both…
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Doggone it
Yesterday marked one month without Noodle. I felt her absence strongly on Tuesday when I returned home from a trip. Often, reuniting with the dogs is the highlight of coming home from vacation. But on a shuttle at the airport, it struck me that Noodle wouldn’t be part of the welcoming committee for the first…
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Docu-Drama
One night last week, I decided to watch a documentary while I worked on a jigsaw puzzle. If that sounds nerdy, I agree—and I own every bit of it. I browsed titles, looking for one that sounded inspiring. I love all types of docs, but I wanted a boost that night. I landed on one…
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Pole dancing
A haiku:Drip drip drip all dayAlways dancing with the polePoison in my veins The countdown is on! I finish up IV antibiotics tomorrow, and right now it feels like I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life. Mainly I’m eager to get back to my normal sleep schedule—and ditch these side effects that make…
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Adieu, Noodle Lou
Growing up, I wanted a dog, but I feared the yet-to-be-acquired dog’s death. I suspect that’s not typical kid behavior, but my CF diagnosis instilled in me a death obsession. I grieved every loss I could dream up—even losses of relationships that didn’t yet exist. In May 2012, with Ramón’s encouragement, I decided I was…
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Simple September
How is it already September? And will I ever stop saying that at the start of each new month? The answer is no. It’s part of being an adult. While reading this weekend, I saw the phrase “Lighten up.” My reaction was visceral, a sensation of rocks in my stomach. Nobody said it to me,…
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I’ve got a leg up (per doctor’s orders)
Today my leg is a little less screwed—literally. The leg I fractured (x3) last year is still quite painful, so a doctor removed four of the screws yesterday. What remains is a rod inside my tibia and a screw near my knee holding it in place. Call me Rod Drewart. Rod Screwart? Womp womp. If…
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Back to CF: Day 5
Rise and shine and wheeze! It’s day five waking up without having taken the cystic fibrosis “miracle drug.” Although I’ve toyed with different dosages over the years—even skipping three days between doses—this is the longest I’ve been without the drug since 2021. For those who are just catching up, the short story is this: As…
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Thinking Face
Today, to procrastinate on writing, I started browsing files on my computer. I stumbled upon a folder called “Ramón Headshots.” As I clicked through the series of photos, I felt a fullness in my chest—the good kind that results from a hearty dose of gratitude. This image specifically caught my eye because it perfectly captures…
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-thirteen and nine-
Thirteen years ago today, I went on my first date with Ramón. And nine years ago, we got married. Often, on special days like today, I marvel at how grief continues to warp my sense of time.
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This mourning
Every now and then I submit to a literary publication just to see what happens. And I almost always I get a rejection letter sometime in the next two weeks or ten months. After receiving this week’s rejection, I thought, Hey, I kinda liked that piece. So their loss is … my blog’s gain? I…