Category: grief
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You heard it here
Guess who was on a podcast?! Me! I recently had the opportunity to be a guest on Pam Baker’s podcast, The Lost Love Stories. Pam is a legend in the CF community. I feel cheesy saying that, like I’m trying to puff her up, but I mean it. Pam has two sons with CF, both…
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Doggone it
Yesterday marked one month without Noodle. I felt her absence strongly on Tuesday when I returned home from a trip. Often, reuniting with the dogs is the highlight of coming home from vacation. But on a shuttle at the airport, it struck me that Noodle wouldn’t be part of the welcoming committee for the first…
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Docu-Drama
One night last week, I decided to watch a documentary while I worked on a jigsaw puzzle. If that sounds nerdy, I agree—and I own every bit of it. I browsed titles, looking for one that sounded inspiring. I love all types of docs, but I wanted a boost that night. I landed on one…
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Pole dancing
A haiku:Drip drip drip all dayAlways dancing with the polePoison in my veins The countdown is on! I finish up IV antibiotics tomorrow, and right now it feels like I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life. Mainly I’m eager to get back to my normal sleep schedule—and ditch these side effects that make…
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Adieu, Noodle Lou
Growing up, I wanted a dog, but I feared the yet-to-be-acquired dog’s death. I suspect that’s not typical kid behavior, but my CF diagnosis instilled in me a death obsession. I grieved every loss I could dream up—even losses of relationships that didn’t yet exist. In May 2012, with Ramón’s encouragement, I decided I was…
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Simple September
How is it already September? And will I ever stop saying that at the start of each new month? The answer is no. It’s part of being an adult. While reading this weekend, I saw the phrase “Lighten up.” My reaction was visceral, a sensation of rocks in my stomach. Nobody said it to me,…
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I’ve got a leg up (per doctor’s orders)
Today my leg is a little less screwed—literally. The leg I fractured (x3) last year is still quite painful, so a doctor removed four of the screws yesterday. What remains is a rod inside my tibia and a screw near my knee holding it in place. Call me Rod Drewart. Rod Screwart? Womp womp. If…
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Back to CF: Day 5
Rise and shine and wheeze! It’s day five waking up without having taken the cystic fibrosis “miracle drug.” Although I’ve toyed with different dosages over the years—even skipping three days between doses—this is the longest I’ve been without the drug since 2021. For those who are just catching up, the short story is this: As…
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Thinking Face
Today, to procrastinate on writing, I started browsing files on my computer. I stumbled upon a folder called “Ramón Headshots.” As I clicked through the series of photos, I felt a fullness in my chest—the good kind that results from a hearty dose of gratitude. This image specifically caught my eye because it perfectly captures…
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-thirteen and nine-
Thirteen years ago today, I went on my first date with Ramón. And nine years ago, we got married. Often, on special days like today, I marvel at how grief continues to warp my sense of time.
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This mourning
Every now and then I submit to a literary publication just to see what happens. And I almost always I get a rejection letter sometime in the next two weeks or ten months. After receiving this week’s rejection, I thought, Hey, I kinda liked that piece. So their loss is … my blog’s gain? I…
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Happy Birthday, Dirty Ramón
Today I feel your presence in the rustling leaves and chirping birds. I taste your appreciation in the Blizzard I got in honor of your birthday. I see you in our dogs’ eyes as they pierce my soul. I channel your patience when one of said dogs pees on the floor—simply saying, “I’m sorry I…
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At therapy this morning…
“At therapy this morning” seems like a quick, somewhat cheap way to capture someone’s attention. But it just so happens to be an accurate line to start the post I’ve come here to write. At therapy this morning, I said today’s date, April 3rd, out loud. I can’t recall the reason, but as the words…
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Zip it good
Did you know some zippers lock when the pull tab is in the down position? In other words, after zipping, you place the tab down to lock the zipper in place—so the barn door’s not open. I thought of this recently because, soon after I met Ramón, I realized he often had a safety pin…
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Judge Ramón Alvarado ’05
I type this with tears in my eyes. They’re mostly droplets of gratitude that I had the immense pleasure of spending almost a decade of my life with Ramón. But I’ll admit that, today, some are droplets of sorrow, wishing he’d had just a little more time to enrich this world—and, selfishly, my life. One…