Girl Drew

Category: grief

  • Happy Birthday, Dirty Ramón

    Happy Birthday, Dirty Ramón

    Today I feel your presence in the rustling leaves and chirping birds. I taste your appreciation in the Blizzard I got in honor of your birthday. I see you in our dogs’ eyes as they pierce my soul. I channel your patience when one of said dogs pees on the floor—simply saying, “I’m sorry I…

  • At therapy this morning…

    At therapy this morning…

    “At therapy this morning” seems like a quick, somewhat cheap way to capture someone’s attention. But it just so happens to be an accurate line to start the post I’ve come here to write. At therapy this morning, I said today’s date, April 3rd, out loud. I can’t recall the reason, but as the words…

  • Zip it good

    Zip it good

    Did you know some zippers lock when the pull tab is in the down position? In other words, after zipping, you place the tab down to lock the zipper in place—so the barn door’s not open. I thought of this recently because, soon after I met Ramón, I realized he often had a safety pin…

  • Judge Ramón Alvarado ’05

    Judge Ramón Alvarado ’05

    I type this with tears in my eyes. They’re mostly droplets of gratitude that I had the immense pleasure of spending almost a decade of my life with Ramón. But I’ll admit that, today, some are droplets of sorrow, wishing he’d had just a little more time to enrich this world—and, selfishly, my life. One…

  • I said YES!*

    I said YES!*

    *to an exciting new project! If you do one thing today, follow Love Per DM on Instagram! Here’s why:I’ve written a lot about my life with Ramón, but I’ve not written much about how we met—mostly because the story wrote itself. Well, Ramón and I wrote each other. For the 12 days leading up to…

  • Bursting bubbles (in a good way)

    Bursting bubbles (in a good way)

    I’d never heard of H Mart when I met Ramón in 2011, but it soon became an integral part of our relationship. H Mart is a Korean grocery store that has its own food court. I’m not sure if Ramón’s Korean-ness led him to H Mart or if it was because the store was only…

  • I kissed an electric toothbrush last night

    I kissed an electric toothbrush last night

    Last night I kissed an electric toothbrush as I told it goodbye. Weird, I know. Ramón got the toothbrush a few days before he was diagnosed with leukemia, so it spent more time in a hospital than most people ever will. That toothbrush encountered more ups and downs than the average oral hygiene product. I…

  • Hopes and dreams

    Hopes and dreams

    “Got any hopes and dreams for today?” Ramón often asked me this on days we had together with no real obligations. I’d name an errand or a craving or the simple wish to spend a lazy day with him and the dogs. And today, three years after his death, I think about my answer to…

  • Field of dreams

    Field of dreams

    Ramón and I took a two-week RV trip in 2018. We’d talked about doing it since we got married, so it was our belated honeymoon in a sense. We set off with our three dogs and our Fun Schedule — the itinerary Ramón devised (and named) to keep our trip on track. Needless to say,…

  • 44

    44

    Ramón’s 37th birthday fell on a Saturday, so we got to spend the entire day together. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. His first wish was to go to Waffle House for breakfast, and we fulfilled this lofty dream without issue. Next, he wanted to take the dogs to hike at Stone…

  • Woe to the child (birthday edition)

    Woe to the child (birthday edition)

    You know that ol’ medieval European saying, “Woe to the child who tastes salty from a kiss on the brow, for he is cursed and soon will die”? No? Nobody? Parents have been cautioned about salty babies since at least the 15th century. Salty skin was “known to herald an unavoidable death preceded by rasping…

  • My grief shoes

    My grief shoes

    Flat feet and hospital floors don’t mesh. When I moved into the hospital after Ramón’s cardiac arrest in spring of 2020, my flat feet lived in slippers. With COVID-19 confining me to Ramón’s room, you’d think I just sat around all day. But I was surprisingly mobile. I often stood as I massaged Ramón and…

  • Is that my phone in your pocket?

    Is that my phone in your pocket?

    On what we didn’t know would be our last wedding anniversary, my late husband, Ramón, and I went out to dinner before heading to a comedy show. As we finished eating, Ramón realized his phone was missing. “I think the guy at that table has it,” I told him as I gestured to a family…

  • Pause for Joy [a rejected essay]

    Pause for Joy [a rejected essay]

    I submitted an essay to a publication on Tuesday. Today, two days later, I received the rejection email. (So quick!) Although it didn’t make the cut, I was pretty proud of it, so I decided I’d share it here. It forced me to think outside the box, and writing it even brought me to tears…

  • Don’t put the pity in serendipity (a grief no-no)

    Don’t put the pity in serendipity (a grief no-no)

    When you’ve lost a loved one, certain dates are etched in your mind. The big milestones are impossible to forget, but other, less monumental dates stick out, too. People share these “anniversaries” for a number of reasons — to reminisce, to document a memory, to relate to other grievers. And, yes, sometimes it’s for attention,…