I’m thinking about how I answer some everyday questions, like “How are you doing?” and “How’s it going?” I know the right answer is “Good!” because many people ask these questions as a substitute for saying hi—not an actual inquiry into my wellbeing. But I’m that person who may deliver an answer the asker didn’t want to hear. I’m almost incapable of announcing I’m good unless I truly mean it.

I’m not bothered by the fact that people ask, or say, these questions without wanting an answer. I do it, too. It’s often a greeting rather than a deliberate query. For example, the correct answer to “What’s up?” or “What’s new?” is “Not a lot” or “Nothing much.” Rarely does someone ask with the intention to learn about your new area rug or your annual eye exam—unless you’re hanging out socially.

A year or two ago, I realized my answer was often negative—like, “Well, here’s what’s plaguing me.” I’m not sure why my default response is to share what’s going wrong in my life, but I’ve got theories. One is that my baseline mood was low for several years as I battled side effects from a CF medication, so I was typically in a darker headspace. Also, I never want to be annoyingly positive, saying, “Great! I got a raise and am in such a satisfying relationship,” because I’m highly sensitive to what others might be experiencing. Another rationale is that I like to make people laugh, and misfortune is often funny.

What if we bring back the idea of checking on people—asking how they are and seeking an answer? Sometimes I attempt this by asking more specific questions, like “How’s your week going so far?” or “How’s your heart these days?”

After Ramón died, my friend Elaine started texting me this image sometimes, created by Dominee Calderon at Self-Love Rainbow:

It gave me a clear understanding of what she was asking and assured me that she expected an honest response. (There are many similar images if you search mental health check-in online.) Obviously, this wouldn’t work well in person, but I can still ask people how they’re doing mental-health wise. I can ask the standard “How are you?” and say, out loud, that I’m asking sincerely. Or “I’d love to know how you’re doing.”

Let’s keep checking on each other. Life can be hard.

P.S. I recently shared a video about Malcolm-Jamal Warner on Instagram, but I didn’t share it here. You should be able to view it with or without an account.