Let me tell to you about a grape soda situation.

I just opened a Zevia-brand grape soda. It has no sugar, so we’ll see what’s up with that. I bought them on Sunday and haven’t tried one yet. Why? Because I have an oddly messed-up way of thinking. I often believe I need to “earn” things that bring me pleasure. Or I’ll think, “Oh no. I must ration these,” as though I’m on the Oregon Trail. These are some of many quirky thought processes that make a seemingly simple world so complex for a person like me.

Also, I just took my first sip of the grape soda, and, DAMN, is it missing the sugar! I can tell it’s artificially sweetened and that breaks my heart. With time, I bet I could convince myself that I don’t taste the Stevia sweetener, but for now, it’s just a wannabe grape soda. Yay. I withheld this pleasure from myself and now it feels like a letdown. Why am I having such a moment with this grape soda? I mean, I got my hair purpled yesterday and everything. I match the soda can, but we’re on different pages.

I’m kinda surprised by how short the Wikipedia page on grape soda is—or, ahem, “grape drink.” It was invented in the late nineteenth century. They hadn’t even invented air conditioning yet, but someone was like, “You know what I need? A grape drink.” Who cares what the temperature is if you’re JACKED UP ON SUGAR?!

I really thought this beverage would unlock the key to something. But here I am with a weird aftertaste in my mouth. I guess it’s good that I’m fired up about it because I’ve been so fatigued lately. This *almost* gives me the energy to go find a REAL SUGAR-LADEN GRAPE SODA.

Sigh. I had such grape expectations.