Today my leg is a little less screwed—literally. The leg I fractured (x3) last year is still quite painful, so a doctor removed four of the screws yesterday. What remains is a rod inside my tibia and a screw near my knee holding it in place. Call me Rod Drewart. Rod Screwart? Womp womp. If only I was forever young. Pain meds, am I right?

I had minimal anxiety leading up to the surgery for two main reasons. One, I was eager as hell to try anything to alleviate my pain when walking. Two, it would be at a facility I’d never visited with Ramón. No matter how well I’ve learned to coexist with grief, my body remembers trauma in ways my mind does not.

I got a surgery kit at my pre-op visit and immediately saw a package of Chlorhexidine Gluconate (CHG) cloths. These antiseptic wipes kill bacteria on the skin, and I cleaned Ramón with them throughout his hospitalizations. But I still listened patiently as the nurse explained how to use the wipes, surprised by my lack of urge to launch into his story—a definite sign I’m more at peace with my grief. I knew I’d be okay when it was wipe time.

My sense of smell is horrible due to chronic sinus issues. When scents trigger memories for others, I’m sometimes envious, wishing I knew what “It smells like home” meant—unless it involves dog poop on the hardwood floor. But when I opened the CHG wipes Monday night, and again before surgery yesterday, I realized my tactile memory is intact. The plastic packaging, the texture of the wipes, the sticky feeling they left on my skin and hands—it all took me right back to the hospital with Ramón. And I missed getting to wipe his dolphin-smooth skin.

They gave me two nerve blocks yesterday, so my left leg feels like its own separate entity. This is great for pain management, but it complicates knowing whether my foot is on the floor. I’ve got to be careful until I’m aware I have two legs again.

One last thing before I crutch away. If you’re struggling with feelings of existential dread due to current events, I get it. While we can’t control many things in our lives, we can always demonstrate love and kindness—seeking opportunities to make someone’s day just a little bit better. I’m sending virtual hugs to those who are understandably concerned.

“Have I told you lately that I love you?” – Rod Screwart